The issue of depression has been present in my life since I was 13, and I have learned to cope with it. But every once in a while I have my down moments. Sometimes it'll last a few minutes, like most people, but other times I can't seem to shake the shadow of sadness. I have never really been able to physically speak about it, but I have no problem writing about it. Which is a great form of therapy for me. I hope that being able to put these feelings and getting them out there for others to see will some how help me feel better.
I don't know if most of you know this but I do come from a fairly large family. Both parents always present, four sisters, one brother and fourteen nieces and nephews. I have always grown-up and spent my time around at least one of those people. When I got married, I literally packed up my things in a matter of days and left Washington to live in New Mexico. I left behind my hometown, all my family, and my friends.
I hate being the person who just picked up and walked out of so many people's lives. I hate it because I know what it feels like to have someone just decide they don't want to be around you anymore. Granted, I had a duty to fulfill, and that was to go where my husband went but I feel like a big chunk of me was left behind in Washington, and I don't know if I will ever get it back. I've lost relationships with people I never thought I'd lose and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart knowing that I was partially responsible for the dissolution.
A lot of people are telling me that I need to find a job, and meet new people here, but it's not as easy as it sounds. When so much of me is longing for those old pieces of me that I have left behind, it's hard to want to move forward. I miss my family, my friends (especially the ones I've lost contact with), my job at PBS, good food, rain, Starbucks and grass!
I am trying to be happy with what I have. Truly, I am grateful for everything that has been given and provided to me but I'm not sure if those things are what I need right now. I really don't know what it is I want to get from posting this. Possibly just the piece of mind that now someone knows how I am feeling. And maybe, just maybe, that'll change something.
love always,
S. Smith
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Hugs.. Sarah, I know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. The best thing to do is always always, keep in touch with your love ones. Never believe that is your fault if people decided to stop talking to you because you left Washington. True friends, never stop caring, and if they did that, well that just shows you their true colors. People hardly ever understand what spouses, the kids, and the service member go through when your family is military, so yes sometimes you do feel alone. You are not alone, I promise you. This place really sucks, I'm sorry but it does and being far away from family doesn't help at all. I'm not expecting for this you to feel better with this post, but I want you to know you are not alone, and if you ever want to talk, I'm here :)
ReplyDeletethank you elie! this is exactly what I needed to hear :)
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